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Ironmaster

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“A Stunning Saga of Prehistoric War!” It’s an all-out battle for Cro-Magnon domination in this violently wacky muscles-and-meatheads Italian rip-off of Quest for Fire, directed by genre legend Umberto Lenzi (Nightmare City; Cannibal Ferox)!
In Ironmaster, we journey back to the Stone Age, where the Neolithic people spoke perfect English and there was a Gold’s Gym in every cave! The leader of a prehistoric hunting tribe is murdered by one of his own people, an evil, wildly-overacting young tyrant named Vood (George Eastman, Warriors of the Wasteland). When the tribe banishes the hammy killer, he wanders into an area of volcanic activity and witnesses the natural formation of an iron bar. Lightbulb moment! Using this brand-new weapon and the knowledge of how to create it, Vood becomes mad with power, donning a dirty lion skin hoodie (complete with lion teeth and eyeballs) and setting forth on a bloody mission to conquer all of mankind … one tribe at a time! Now it’s up to his lifelong muscleman rival, Ela (played by ‘80s American porn star Sam Pasco, sporting a teeny leather thong, a ratty blond Lita Ford wig and the largest breasts in the land) to thwart these sinister plans, leading to 90 minutes of pure Cro-Magnon carnage, gory swordplay, buffalo stampedes, volcanic eruptions, weird naked ape men on the loose, and massive doses of glistening, early-human cheesecake and beefcake served up in a grungy heavy metal music video with terrible English dubbing. This is how the world began … (Dir. by Umberto Lenzi, 1983, Italy/badly dubbed in English, 98 mins., Rated R)

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